Today I'm looking around my office and I'm thinking...how in the world am I going to do this tomorrow? Where did I go wrong? Then I realize that I can't afford to live in NYC unless I do this. AND more truthfully, I'm also too lazy to actually pursue anything else. All I really want is to do something awesome...without actually "doing" anything. And I want it to pay enough for me to live in a great place. Like a loft (doesn't have to be gigantic) somewhere in the meat-packing district. Or a one bedroom on the UWS - that has access to a small roof deck.

You know why I'm plagued with grandiose dreams and little-to-no motivation? Two things: St. Elmos Fire and Zoloft. I know...I always blame my lack of motivation on Zoloft. (until I wean myself off the tranq's and find a new scapegoat, it will have to do.)

But seriously...80's Movies ruined my life. Growing up watching Hollywood Movies has obliterated any bit of realistic reasoning & goal setting, or any ounce of mediocre dream-manufacturing ability I might have had. I'm even willing to throw some Television Sitcoms in the blame pot. I grew up watching movies and TV shows...so this is basically what I learned to be "real life":

(1) The main character always manages to get the perfect New York Apartment. Even if it was empty and falling apart - all it needed was a really energetic pop song, a coat of paint, some friends and some miscellaneous furniture found on the street, and within 15 minutes, the place looked amazing. It always had an unbelievable roof deck or access to a rooftop greenhouse (remember GreenCard? Friends? Weekend at Bernies?). Even in "Mr. Wonderful" Annabella Sciorra had an adorable apartment...and Matt Dillon...AND Vincent D'Onofrio. Come on.

(2) The main character always lands a wonderful & amazing job - that they never actually do anything in. Yet they always uncover a huge problem & fix it. With little effort or experience, they somehow stumble upon a huge error or situation, and single handily (or usually with the help of other underdog employees/co-stars - such as the mail room guy and/or the homely secretary-receptionist girl) saves the day by shining the light on the crooked executive. OR saves the company label by making an entire line of clothing out of curtains and bubble wrap...over NIGHT. Again...enter uplifting pop song.

(3) And finally (of course) the main character always finds the perfect guy & falls perfectly in love. I don't even know if I have the stomach to write about how unrealistic this one is. But I'll give you examples on how it's screwed me up:

A. I have never been in an airport and didn't dreamily imagine someone running down the corridor screaming my name...and not airport security. I mean someone who decided at the last minute that he couldn't live without me, so rather than let me board that plane - he needs to chase me through the long line and tell me he loves me. and he doesn't want me to leave. Even though I'm only visiting my brother in S.C. and I'll be back in four days...that doesn't matter. It's the IDEA of it.

B. I can't listen to "I can't hold back" by Survivor (that's right...I said it) without thinking...this would be a perfect scene if I was walking down the street and while the song is playing, realized that "blank" isn't just my best guy pal...he's also the man I'm in love with. So I'd turn and start running back to his apartment or where he works (doesn't matter). and of course he would be there, waiting.

C. I still think it's possible to turn the corner and literally run into someone who knocks all of your stuff onto the sidewalk, and while you're picking them up (and he's helping) you look up and lock eyes and realize - oh my god. You're the one. And he affectionately asks if he can take you to dinner to make up for ruining your bag of groceries.

D. That someday (sort of like today) while you're working at your dead end job - the man of your dreams will come walking through the office, looking for you and yelling your name...and when he finds you, he'll kiss you, pick you up into his arms and carry you out of the office (naval officer hat optional) - while your best co-worker friend yells "Wait to go, Paula! Way to go!"

Anyway. Even though life has beaten me into somewhat acceptance/sanity...I still believe that there is a Jake Ryan out there. He'll like to spoon on Sundays while watching Law & Order marathons, picnic in Central Park during the fall, eat cookies in bed while reading and he won't mind that I talk to my cat. :)

My friend just reminded me that the only 'close to realistic' movie at that time was "Working Girl". Thank you Tess McGill! But even that was complete fabrication. You could never just 'step in' for your boss and meet a guy like Harrison Ford. (A) No one noticed that Tess was busy attending cocktail parties and meetings instead of actually showing up to the office. If I don't show up to the office...more than just my boss notices. Jealousy runs rampant on the corporate floor. If anyone thinks I'm doing nothing when they're stuck doing something - that shit will be broadcast over the loud speakers in my building. No one minds their own business in business. (B) Tess' fellow secretaries in the office pool were all supportive & awesome...they even stood up & cheered for her in the end. Not True. Any girl who actually works in an office knows that the office is the deadliest place on earth. The only place worse than the office...is the girls bathroom in High School. And why wouldn't it be? Inside every cubicle is the girl you remember from Senior Year. You know, the one you weren't very nice to. She's still a wet blanket, only she's 12 sizes bigger in the ass and even more miserable than she was in English Class. And you know what? She still hates you. She will wear her Dress Barn pants-outfit, get to work at 7:45am on the dot every damn day, and say "hi" to you as you pass - and when you're out of earshot...she'll send an email directly to HR saying that you wear inappropriate skirts and you make personal calls all day long. These bitches fight dirty.

I feel better now. xoxo